The Hardest Words.
by Darksquall
Summary: Read it. YAOI Squall Zell, you get the picture. You read my other stuff! YES I CHANGED THE RATING SATISFIED????????????? I can't decide what should be in which banner. Next time give me advice as to which censor it should be!!


The Hardest Words.  
  
Disclaimer. Characters = Square's. Not mine. Me no like that. :( YAOI, me like that.;) Now to make sense. The characters places whatever, are all Squaresoft's. I don't mean to infringe on your rights guys and gals, please forgive and don't sue. YAOI and some bad language. Watch out! Sorta a sequel to "The island closest to hell..., or is it heaven?" and the previous instalment "With or without you." Under age drinking is in no way endorsed by this author (he he he) let's just pretend it's after August 23rd so the youngest of them (i.e. SQUALL) has just turned 18. OKAY????? The fear is by Travis, I happened to be listening to the excellent "The Man Who" Album when I was writing this. It's not a true song fic I'm just putting a few lines in.  
  
The Hardest Words.  
  
A Squall/Zell fanfiction.  
  
^_\^/^_^}  
  
  
"'I love you' are the three strangest words of the English language. They are the easiest words to say to those we hardly know and yet the hardest words to say when we truly mean them."  
A quote by me, Nicola J. Wilcox.  
  
  
  
  
  
After twelve days, he had been climbing the walls.   
  
He longed for the man.   
  
He longed for that ecstasy that comes only in those ultimate moments of sex or where he usually found it.  
  
The heat of battle.   
  
He settled for battle.  
  
********  
  
Bob.  
  
Duck.   
  
Weave.   
  
Strike.   
  
Monsters try to make a meal of a lone traveller.   
  
Bob.  
  
Duck.   
  
Weave.   
  
Strike.   
  
Scratch that. Monsters tried to make a meal of of a lone traveller.  
  
Bob.  
  
Duck.   
  
Weave.   
  
Strike.   
  
They didn't count on it being him. They should have known better really, in those tiny minds it should've dawned on them that all their kindred had been slaughtered by young ones like him near this massive structure known as Garden. That they should stay away, even if it was only a lone traveller.  
  
Bob.  
  
Duck.   
  
Weave.   
  
Strike.   
  
However, the monsters seemed to have called in the cavalry. A sheer weight of numbers was beginning to tire him out. A combination attack would send one back to the earth to return what it had leeched from the land only for it to be replaced by another two. A Blizzaga attack from his blind side knocked him sick for a moment. Letting the forces move forward.  
  
Bob.  
  
Duck.   
  
Weave.   
  
Strike.   
  
Strike.   
  
Punch kick punch punch punch...  
  
Drive them back. Drive them away, make them pay.   
  
Blizzaga engulfed him again and again, as each one of the monsters surrounding him joined in with the barrage. He began to grow numb. Detached. His movements becoming slower.  
  
Bob.  
  
Duck.   
  
Weave.   
  
Strike.   
  
Fall.   
  
Sleep.   
  
NO! Don't sleep. If you fall asleep in the cold you won't wake up. You won't get to see him again. You'll lose so much that you've only just found. He forced himself to continue.  
  
Bob.  
  
Duck.   
  
Weave.   
  
Strike.   
  
Get hit.  
  
Fall.  
  
"This isn't how I'm supposed to die." He said out loud. "Not against minor monsters like these. I'm meant to go out fighting a ruby dragon.., something like that."   
  
But as the Blizzaga bombardment continued, Zell closed his eyes.   
  
In the coldness of his icy prison, he could find no real rest. He absently clutched at the necklace around his neck. Squall's chain. Squall's ring. No, not Squall's ring. Rinoa's ring. Meant to have been anyway. A vague memory of the time before or during the Ultimecia wars surfaced in Zell's mind.   
  
A dark haired young girl, pretty in that voluptuous, pouty lipped sort of way asking him to make a copy of Squall Leonharts's Griever ring. He brushed his fingers over the worked metal surface and wondered who had made this one. A small part of him wished that Squall had asked him to make it even if it was for her.   
  
And so, holding that ring, he edged closer to the eternal slumber.   
  
Cold...  
  
Colder.....  
  
Ice.............  
  
Hot!   
  
A firaga spell had knocked out three of the monsters that were closest to him and the warmth woke him from that deadly slumber, but he found he was too close to death to be of any real use with his fists. "Ifrit" He whispered, too exhausted to wonder who had come to help him. "Give this person a hand." The GF passed over Zell, returning his body temperature to normal.   
  
Through blurred vision he saw arcs of light and he heard the creatures around them fall to the ground, never to get up again.   
  
A bottle was bought to his lips and he drank deeply. Identifying the bitter taste as that belonging to an X-Potion he wondered who could have such a rare item in the locality. As his strength returned and his wounds healed, he felt someone gather him up in their arms and begin to walk in the general direction of garden.   
  
Curled up in his saviours arms, he felt a gentle kiss on his forehead before he blacked out completely.  
  
********  
  
He awoke to find himself gazing at the ceiling of the infirmary. Dr Kadowaki stood over him and tutted. "Dincht, I thought you knew better than to go out into the field with absolutely no spells junctioned If I were the commander I'd demote you."   
  
"Hey doc, who bought me in?" He asked curious to know who that kiss had been from.   
  
"I have no idea. I went to the cafeteria to get a drink and came back to find you here in the bed. That was several hours ago and it's time for my lunch break." With a look that dared him to do otherwise she stated; "Stay there for a few more hours, I want to keep you under observation."   
  
She left.   
  
After a few minutes he closed his eyes and tried to catch up on his sleep.   
  
A gentle kiss was placed on his lips.   
  
As he opened his eyes he saw the commander standing over him. Zell grinned up at Squall. "You're back early."   
  
Squall rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I decided to get out of Esthar before I either punched Laguna or he declared war on Garden because of my actions."   
  
"That bad huh?"   
  
"No, worse." He sighed and sat down on the bed beside Zell. "God, that man works my last nerve. He's a total moron! How Raine put up with him, I'll never know."   
  
"Did you find out anything about her?"   
  
"I was given her diary. I haven't read it all yet." Squall sighed. "You still got the ring?"   
  
Zell showed him. "Not even took it off once."   
  
"I received that a few days after we defeated Ultimecia." A slight smile appeared on Squall's lips. "That ring belonged to a gunblader, a long time ago. A man who fought with courage and the strength of a lion. He was Raine's father. It was given to me by Laguna who Raine had given it to as a good luck charm." He looked away. "I was thinking of giving it to Rinoa...." He paused. "But I think it would suit you much better."   
  
Zell grinned once more. He pushed himself up into a sitting position. "Thank you Squall." He wrapped his arms around the young man in the leather jacket. Their lips met briefly once, twice, then again with more depth, the tips of their tongues touching.., caressing. "I love you..." He murmured.  
  
Suddenly, Squall put a hand on his chest and pushed him back down. "I'll.... er, I'll see you later Zell, I have some business to attend to." And with that Squall left him there alone and confused.  
  
********  
  
A few hours later he was sitting in the cafeteria with Quistis, Selphie and Irvine. Squall had immediately returned to his duties.   
  
With a frown on his lips where such a short time ago Squall's lips had been, he stared down at an untouched hot dog on his plate and sighed loudly.   
  
"Whazzup Zell?" Selphie asked as she adjusted Irvines hat so it sat better on her head. "You're really down today, it ain't like you."   
  
"Come on Zell, you can tell us." Quistis prompted.   
  
He looked up at the girls. Quistis, with her stern face, soft eyes and her big heart. Selphie with her boundless energy, charm and happiness. They were like his big and little sisters respectively. Then came Irvine. Hey, the guy was alright but he was good looking and, unfortunately.., he knew it. But he needed advice and both of the girls had more experience with guys than he did so he thought 'what the heck'!   
  
"What would you do if you told someone you loved them but instead of saying it back, they just left you?"   
  
Irvine faced him, laughed and immediately began singing "Zellie's got a girlfriend, a girlfriend, a girlfriend..."   
  
Quistis nodded at Selphie who removed the hat from her head and threw it out of the open window. Irvine soon followed.   
  
"Come on Zell, we gotta talk someplace more private." Zell followed Quistis to her room with Selphie in tow.   
  
"So..., you finally admitted it to him." The brunette said with her arms folded over her chest.   
  
Zell's eyes widened. "Huh?"   
  
"You said you loved Squall." Quistis responded.  
  
"How did you guys know?"   
  
Selphie rolled her eyes. "Oh come on Zell. We grew up together, we fought wars together. And I can tell you like-like him."  
  
Quistis laughed at her. "One. You showed off in front of him. Two. You asked to be lead to impress him. Three. You did seem rather jealous of Rinoa at the celebrations. You even trod on her foot."  
  
With a look of disappointment on his face, Zell asked. "Was I really that obvious?"   
  
"Only to us two." The former instructor assured him. Her mood instantly changed to a more sombre one. "So he didn't answer?"   
  
Zell shook his head. "I guess I'm just a friend to him..." He said with a quiver in his voice.   
  
"Awwwwww." Selphie jumped up and hugged him. "Don't worry Zelly baby. Carry on like you were. This is Squall. The guy didn't even smile for ten years, you have to give him a little time to get used to it!" She smiled and pinched his cheek. "You'll make such a cute couple."   
  
Quistis stifled a laugh as Zell glared at Selphie and said. "Maybe you should find someone to be the other half of your cute couple. It's like, totally little and large with you guys. Half the people here are starting to wonder why you go out with him and the other half know too well....."   
  
A call interrupted over the P.A system. "Will Irvine Kinneas, Selphie Tilmitt, Quistis Trepe and Zell Dincht please report to the commanders office immediately."   
  
********  
  
As they entered, they observed a rather bedraggled Irvine pulling leaves and twigs from his hair. He saw them and waved his hat above his head triumphantly. Zell laughed as Selphie took it away from him and his lower lip quivered. Even Squall smiled as Irvine got down on his knees to beg for it back. "Did you enjoy your holiday Squall?" Quistis asked.   
  
He turned to her and nodded. His hair fell into his eyes and he blinked for a moment. "Although I still have a certain distaste for my father, I enjoyed the rest." As Zell looked at him, he saw in this lighter room that Squall's skin was slightly darker than before he'd left. He had a certain glow and even though he had only been gone twelve days, when he shrugged off his jacket to reveal stunningly muscled arms turned to a golden brown set starkly against the pure white of his short sleeved t-shirt only one word came to Zell's mind.  
  
('Beautiful.') He thought.   
  
Squall drew the back of one hand across his forehead, visibly wincing when he caught the scar. "I called you guys here because I was approached yesterday by Rinoa...."  
  
Zell was taken aback. Selphie groaned. Thoughts raced in Zell's head. ('Maybe that's why he didn't say it. He doesn't want me because Rinoa wants him back.')  
  
"Oh no." Quistis stated. "You aren't going to go back out with her are you?"  
  
"Is that why you've all gone white as sheets?"   
  
"Come on Squall." Selphie pleaded. "She really hurt you last time. We don't wanna have you go back to being the old moody guy you were."  
  
('Not to mention the fact that if I lose you so soon, I'm gonna end up killing myself.') Zell added silently.   
  
"Don't worry, it's nothing like that. All she wanted was to give me this." He waved to the briefcase sitting on the desk. "In return for a favour."  
  
Irvine reached forward and opened it.   
  
It was full to bursting with Gil. "Wow." Selphie gasped. "That's enough to keep the Garden Festival going for years!"   
  
"Do you ever think of anything else?" Zell questioned.   
  
"No." She confirmed smugly.   
  
"Actually Selphie," Squall spoke up. "It's going to be used to modernise the garden and improve our facilities." Seeing the spark in her eye, he added; "And yes, the quad is on that list with a separate budget for festival supplies. This is in return for denying all help to the Galbadian government for the next three weeks."   
  
Zell smiled in relief.   
  
"I wanted to ask the students what part of garden they wanted changing, but you know how the react around me. So, would you four do it?"   
  
They all agreed and Selphie, Irvine and Quistis left to begin their task. Squall had settled back down to his work as they left and didn't notice Zell still standing there, or if he did, he didn't let on about it.  
  
"Excuse me, but what features would you like upgrading?" He asked quietly.  
  
"Zell! I thought you'd gone."  
  
"What part of garden do you want changing?" He leaned forward on the desk.   
  
Squall thought for a moment, his eyes closing a little, his lips pursing a little. "I'm not sure. How about you?"   
  
"I only want one thing." He grabbed the front of Squall's t-shirt and brought him to barely a hair's breadth away. "You." And he kissed him, hard. When the kiss was broken off, Zell pushed the lion back down into his chair. "I'll see you later babe." He said as he dashed for the lift.   
  
Alone once again in his office, Squall's hand rose and his fingers touched his bottom lip. The kiss had been so violent there was a drop of blood on his fingertips. With a fire burning in his veins he closed his eyes to let the desire subside.  
  
"Oh, Fuck it, Zell. I can't say it."   
  
********  
  
Instead of meeting up in the cafeteria as usual. The five friends had decided to meet in a small pub in Balamb that belonged to a friend of Zell's. They had use of the snooker/pool room for the night. Squall watched as Irvine slaughtered Selphie on the table as he drank deeply from a pint glass of bitter. Zell looked up at Squall as he racked up the balls again.   
  
The martial artist wasn't in his usual outfit that had been optimised for battle. He was wearing a black polo neck and a pair of stone coloured jeans. In fact none of them looked their usual self on this evening. Selphie's ankle length black skirt and lilac top, Irvine's blue jeans, white jumper and waistcoat and even Quistis' miniskirt and v-neck were out of character for them.   
  
Zell wondered why the object of his affections was looking at him so strangely.   
  
Squall swallowed and undid the top button of his blood red slim fitting shirt in the warmth of the room, ran a hand through his hair and then rested his elbows on his black denim jeans. It was nice to be out of the garden without a mission to be worried about, and good to be out of those bonds made by a military institute such as garden. Zell smiled and then told Irvine it was his break.   
  
A radio in the corner began to play a song called "The Fear." by a band called Travis.   
  
"All I wanted was a chance to say, I would like to see you in the morning." Fran Healy crooned. "Rolling over just to have you there, would make it easy for a little bit longer....."  
  
As Irvine continued to beat all the others mercilessly Zell offered his cue to Squall. "You have a shot at him." He took it and stared at the wood in his hand.   
  
"I never played before."  
  
As Irvine broke he laughed at Squall. "This is gonna be too easy."   
  
"Just pot a red then a colour then go back to the red. The colours are replaced. Then when all the reds are gone it's the colour's turn: Yellow, Green, Brown, Blue, Pink finally Black." Then he turned to the tallest one of them. "And you! Shut it sharpshooter. You never know what he can do." Zell stated.   
  
"Let's make it interesting." Quistis said. "The looser buys the drinks for the rest of the night, and no excuses."   
  
The the lion stepped up to the table.  
  
The grin on Irvine's face began to diminish as Squall potted red, black, red, pink, red, green but finally missed the following red. "That's 19 points to Squall!" Selphie exclaimed. A somewhat unnerved Irvine missed the next pot allowing Squall back to the table.   
  
In the end, it came down to the black ball. Squall was five points ahead of the cowboy, the black worth seven. As Irvine lined up the shot Zell nodded at Selphie who grinned mischievously. As the cue was drawn back Selphie pinched his bum. On his reaction he completely missed the ball. Squall sent it home quickly.   
  
"Quisty, darling!" Selphie pulled on her arm. "Do you fancy some champagne?"  
  
"Oh, yah Selphie." She said playing into the act. "Boys?"   
  
"Gimme a......, a pint of export."   
  
"Okay Zell, what about you Squall?"   
  
"Double whisky. Straight up."  
  
"Now girls..." The rest of Irvine's protestations were lost as they dragged him into the main bar to get the drinks.   
  
"You truly amaze me sometimes." Squall looked up as Zell spoke.   
  
"I'm not all that wonderful you know." Squall said and looked into Zell's eyes. "I'm something of a coward really."   
  
"Never say that. There's not a cowardly bone in your body."   
  
"Here ya go!" Selphie said as she bounded in to them with the drinks in hand. Squall downed it in one.   
  
********  
  
And so the evening wore on. It was well after midnight when they began the return journey to Garden.  
  
On the way back, Quisty managed to hang back with Squall.   
  
"So, why didn't you say it?"   
  
Squall turned his head to look at her in surprise. "What?"   
  
"Zell was really depressed about it. Just make sure you don't hurt him."  
  
"I never want to do that to him. I feel the same way about him" He sighed. "It's just so hard to say it."  
  
"I know. You build yourself up to it and then you still can't say it." She smiled reassuringly. "You'll get around to it."  
  
********  
  
He looked at his watch.   
  
Five minutes to five am.  
  
With a sigh Squall leant against the wall in the Quad.   
  
When he had returned to his room, he had found no solace in sleep. His mind racing too much for any brief respite to allow sleep to come. He had intended on going to the training centre, but had ended up in the quad. There were footsteps behind him.   
  
"Oh, it's you."   
  
He turned his head to see Zell standing a few feet away.   
  
"That's a warm reception Zell."   
  
Zell shrugged and leant against the wall beside him. "What are you doing here at this time of the morning?"   
  
"I couldn't sleep, as always." He reached out and touched his cheek with a finger. Zell shrank back, but then relaxed into it. As they faced each other Zell's eyes darted down to Squall's lips and then back up to look into those storm-cloud eyes. They got closer and he felt Squall's mouth hot against his own. Squall pulled Zell close to him, their bodies pressing together. He pulled back as his chest threatened to burst with the fire of urgency impressed upon him by Zell's kiss.   
  
The blonde traced a finger over the man's chest in a winding path down past his navel to the belt of his jeans. The sun was beginning to rise now. The light painting the sky with an artists palette and brush in hues of lilac, orange and reds. As he felt Zell's lips on his neck, Squall wondered how many more times that sun would rise, how many more times he would feel Zell so close to him, as close as he was now. How many times he would have an opportunity. "It's just so hard to admit it...." Squall whispered. "So hard that it hurts. I told you all that I didn't want to be spoken of in past tense..."  
  
"What are you saying?"   
  
"It's even harder to wonder if you'll end up having to think of someone in past tense. Harder to wonder if someone that means that much to me will ever leave like that again. I kept trying to build those walls and yet.... You got through them Zell. I want to say them for you, the hardest words..."   
  
"Squall, what are you tying to say?"  
  
"Godammit. You made me do it Zell, you made me fall in love. I fucking love you." He smiled. "I love you Zell Dincht."   
  
Feeling elated, Zell smiled. He licked his lips and said. "I fucking love you too Squall Leonhart."  
  
THE END...............................  
  
FOR NOW.............................?  
  
  
  
Authors notes.   
  
Long enough this time?   
  
*Nikki sits back and sighs contentedly.* Three days. It took me three days to write this and I'm completely shattered. Please excuse any 'out there' sections as I was on the Scrumpy jack for a little while.   
  
By the way I love getting reviews. And as you can tell I do listen to them, i.e. GlitterGirl. They brighten my day. What can I say about this story? It was challenging... That's about it really. I did like it though. Happy writing, Love peace happiness ...................................................Whatever. The Darksquall. ^_\^ Peace out.  
  
The lyrics to the excellent song The Fear are   
  
All I wanted was the chance to say  
I would like to see you in the morning.   
Rolling over just to have you there,   
would make it easy for a little bit longer  
But here  
Closer every year,  
So near   
The fear is coming clear.  
My dear,  
The fear is here.  
Hottest summer in a hundred years  
But summer didn't bother getting up this morning  
And some of the trees forgot to wake.  
They were dropping all their leaves on the ground below them  
But here  
Closer every year  
So near  
The fear is coming clear  
My dear  
The fear is here.  
All I wanted was the chance to say  
I would like to see you in the morning.  
Rolling over just to have you there,  
Would make it easy for a little bit longer  
Would make it easy for a little bit longer  
Would make it easy for a little bit longer  
Would make it easy for a little bit longer  
Would make it easy for a little bit longer  



End file.
